So, let me start by clearing the air on this post; this is another “not for the rah rah, everybody else’s good fortune equals your own good fortune” type of people. If you are the kind of person who likes to make struggling people feel worse only read further if you’re in the mood to learn something.
Hopefully that is crystal clear; I am 100% not going to field comments that attack my character, suggest that there is anything wrong with me, or that I am ungrateful. Ok? If you’re one of those abusive hyper positivity only types, leave now or stay quiet because I am telling you that coming at me is the same as shouting into the void. Your perspective isn’t something I care about or consider valid.
Anybody who has been in a fertility struggle like the one I am currently deeply embroiled in can tell you that our fight is met all day long with platitudes, bullshit, and anecdotal stories of people who just relaxed and it happened. They got drunk enough and it happened. They STOPPED TRYING AND IT HAPPENED.
And, perhaps the cruelest anecdote you can lob at a woman struggling with infertility, and the most damaging on all sides if they go about it for the wrong reasons;
Myth #1- Just Adopt and You Will Get Pregnant.
Despite the many holes I could stab into this theory the one I am going to lead with is that it is simply not unilaterally true; if simply having a child already were enough to boost fertility, then secondary infertility, like my own, wouldn’t exist.
Period.
Sure, people who have found an alternate means to grow their families are less stressed than people still facing endlessly disappointing months of treatments and family and friends just miraculously making more babies without medical intervention, and NOT being subjected to unintentionally cruel statements from those around them.
Who wouldn’t be less stressed when everyone stops intentionally breaking their already broken hearts every month?
I am going to offer some snippets from articles on this subject and I am also going to cite these bits like I would a term paper so maybe the people who like to say and offer up cruel things, or treat infertile women like they are sooooo annoying will give me a little credit that, while my uterus won’t currently support life, I do know how to conduct research and credit my sources.
You know, since my own anecdotal experience is less valuable than the friend of a friend of a friend who was struggling for years and the one night relaxed, let their worries go, downed a bottle of fireball, talked about adoption and then 9 months later had triplets apparently is.
One reason that “infertile” couples miraculously conceive after other measures have been taken is that they are not actually infertile but a less discussed classification referred to as “subfertile”; this means that while it might take them more time to get there, they are not clinically sterile and therefore do not actually classify as infertile (Canning, 2017). This means that the smug woman you know that did one round of clomid and had a trigger shot then two more kids wasn’t infertile; she was impatient. Get out of the bathtub of people who deserve the title if this is you.
According to Davenport, (n.d.) the statistic that a mere 8% of infertile couples becomes pregnant after adoption is pulled and recirculated endlessly and is not only not a statistic that should generate a reasonable amount of excitement, but comes from a study from 1970. 1970, folks; if this isn’t proof that we are lazy about where we cultivate our information from, I do not know what is. Would you trust a doctor who hadn’t updated his knowledge since 1970? Would you want him to remove your appendix or treat your cancer?
I didn’t think so. So, don’t repeat that tired shit to a woman who has heard it over and over and over again. It is beyond unnecessary and it makes the person saying it sound as though they can’t comprehend how to show empathy.
A much more recent study from 2012 estimates that approximately 17% of infertile couples generally conceive after adoption (Davenport, n.d.); while that number is a great deal more current, it is hardly a reason to celebrate even in theory. And it definitely is not a reason to run out and start an adoption process.
The only reason to adopt a child is because it’s in your heart to do so.
In the meantime, if you cannot be told about someone’s struggle without lapsing into platitudes, well-meaning (but still discouraging) advice, or resorting to calling them bitter, do not ask how the infertile couples in your life are doing. Don’t engage or stare at them blankly when they tell you how it’s going; I promise you that despite your delicate constitution, this isn’t harder to witness than it is to go through.
And you really don’t need to be worried about them, anyway.
They’re tougher than you will ever be; they’re fine. When they have something to tell you, you will know at some point (although not first because you’re not a safe place or their champion).
References
Canning, K. (2017). The Surprising Reason Why Some Women Get Pregnant Naturally After Undergoing IVF or Adopting. https://www.health.com/condition/infertility/women-getting-pregnant-after-ivf-adoption
Davenport, D. (n.d.). Once You Adopt You’re Sure to Get Pregnant. https://creatingafamily.org/adoption-category/getting-pregnant-after-adopting/