I think of all the myths that persist the most fervently, this is the one- why is that? Anybody have a guess?

What telling a person suffering from infertility this is called will sound familiar because it is a term repeated a lot lately because this act is so prevalent in the current climate in our country and while it is usually used when referring to sexual or violent assaults it is actually something that is relevant to any tragedy out of a person’s control that people suggest in the retelling could have been avoided if the person harmed by the event had done this, that, or the third.

If you guessed that I was about to use the term “victim blame” you are correct.

So why do people do that to someone who has been hurt or touched by tragedy? Do they mean to pile on?

Are people really that mean?

The short, uncomplicated answer is no.

Victim blaming is actually a defense mechanism of the person doing it; why? It’s this simple; when people hear of tragedies that they would never, ever want to experience themselves they assign blame to the person trusting them with the information. This allows them to distance themselves from it by thinking that they themselves could just never, ever experience something like this because the person hurt by it has to somehow be responsible (Cherry, 2020).

The problem is, of course, that this is usually a conversation that ends with the already injured party further hurt by the careless words of someone they trusted that just suggested that they are responsible for their own mugging, sexual assault, or in the case of infertility their own early ovarian dysfunction or pcos.

It’s always an inappropriate thing to assert, that is the best place to start infertility myth #2;

Oh, just RELAX and it will happen!

So.

No.

That isn’t how any of this works- and this is such a prevalent thing that gets tossed at couples struggling to conceive that it has to be broken into two parts covered over two weeks (make sure to come back next week for the kissing cousin to “just relax” which is “you’re not getting drunk enough”.

Eye. Roll.

Am I right?

So, yes, stress isn’t great to combine with any kind of effort as delicate as the trying to conceive a baby process; the problem is, when people tell somebody who is anxious and on a timetable to relax it has the opposite effect, sending them down even deeper wells of self-doubt and self-blame, both of which I can guarantee you they are stocked up on already.

As this article by healthline (n.d.) says, couples suffering from infertility are the most sick of this missive in particular (and I concur- please just don’t); if stress were the single solitary concern, fertility clinics would not be a thing.

People would get acupuncture and massages and voila. Handled. 9 months later, a baby, and a different kind of beautiful stress and worry.

Not to mention, relaxation isn’t going to get the job done if there is some kind of physiological issue at work that a doctor needs to intervene and help with- it just won’t. And those physiological issues are just what they are; random and unfair and nobody’s fault, most especially not the fault of the person experiencing them and their ramifications.

In the interest of solutions and helpfulness, here are a few things you can do instead of inadvertently blaming a loved one who is stressed out and anxious that won’t chafe their already frayed nerves;

Ask how they are and listen; not everything can be fixed by your words or your platitudes. In fact, most things can’t; just listen and tell them that you hate this for them.

Buy them a massage.

Take them hiking.

Watch a movie with them- bring snacks. If you don’t live near them, organize a buddy watch of something you know they love already; psychologically, watching a movie that your anxious friend knows the ending of soothes them because the outcome is expected and comforting.

And if all else fails and you don’t know what to say, you can always say this;

I don’t know what to say. I love you and I’m here if you just want me to listen.

Above all else please remember that your friend or loved one’s infertility is an actual disease that needs medical intervention and relaxing isn’t going to make it go away, the same way it wouldn’t do that with cancer or lupus or any other kind of disease that stress doesn’t help but isn’t 100% responsible for.

Just be kind to those that are struggling.

Until Next Time,

The Chick and her Chickadee

References

Cherry, K. (2020).  Why Do People Blame the Victim?. https://www.verywellmind.com/why-do-people-blame-the-victim-2795911

Healthline (n.d.). 7 Popular Infertility Myths, Debunked by Experts. https://www.healthline.com/health/infertility/common-myths